Artist Greggy...Musings and Yik-Yak

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05/30/2005
Entry: "Affairs..."

OF SIX EXTRA-MARITAL AFFAIRS

First Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bassard! You've been playing golf!"
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The Second Affair:
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
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The Third Affair:
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off, to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the biggest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's privates. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
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The Fourth Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
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The Fifth Affair:
A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents," the bartender replied. "Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."
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The Sixth Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber.He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

And with a hearty laugh, I'm out of here!
Hope everyone had a safe and fun Memorial Day weekend!

Replies:
9 brothers and sisters helped me to understand.


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on Thursday, June 2nd, 2005 @ 05:42 PM EST
Frank said

LOL! #2 was a riot. Have you been cheating on me? Not THIS time...Oh damn. Talk about a blow to the ego!

#6, regardless of how many times I hear it, I still crack up. "Let the poison work." many thanks for the laughs mr. Greg!

Yeah bro, #2 would have been even worse if he had been suspecting from the first time with the daughters too...

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on Thursday, June 2nd, 2005 @ 04:29 PM EST
lashundra said

rotfl @ those very funny thanks for sharing them.

i'm in tears laughin at becky poisoning her hubby.

yeah, that scenario seems to be everyone's favorite so far...hmmm, I wonder why?...LOL...*nervously checking sammich*

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on Wednesday, June 1st, 2005 @ 11:12 PM EST
Myrah said

LOL@@@Becky sounds like she had some insurance money coming!! good jokes!

Thanks dear! Yeah...Old girl was definitely in the know for sure! Happy Almost Friday!

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on Wednesday, June 1st, 2005 @ 03:50 PM EST
Cheryl said

2nd blog today i've read with stuff about 7 year itches or extramarital affairs. Hmmm...interesting and funny too!

hope it's not some sort of trend....lol. Most people seem to take being married far less seriously today than in earlier years it seems anyway. They were a riot tho, I've always enjoyed a good joke about being married if it's not trashy!

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on Wednesday, June 1st, 2005 @ 02:25 PM EST
ange said

Oh man! I laughed so hard at this! I needed that. Thanks smile
A~

Hi Ange! What it be?
"Schwartz is dead!!!..."...too much!

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on Wednesday, June 1st, 2005 @ 11:48 AM EST
NoŽlle said

lol those are funny stories razz

grinzzzz, they were! How y'all living over there? :o)

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on Wednesday, June 1st, 2005 @ 11:41 AM EST
JENNY said

HEY! LOL THOSE JOKES WERE SO ENTERTAINING, I READ THEM ALL, SO FUNNY! LOL. I HOPE YOU HAD FUN THIS WEEKEND! TAKE CARE smile

Hey J! They made me bust a gut when I read them too...my favorite ones were #3 & #4! My weekend was a blast...I see you had a mahvelous time in the islands! *jealous* LOL

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on Tuesday, May 31st, 2005 @ 03:05 PM EST
iice said

LOL

Greggy, you so crazy! LOL Hope you enjoyed your holiday weekend.

Yep my dear...Crazy is a pretty accurate assessment of my condition...but it's the good crazy, not the bad crazy k? I'm in no way like a Jeffrey Dahmer or other sinister or evil plotting mofo but I've been known to crack a funny bone on occasion if the flow is right. :o)

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on Monday, May 30th, 2005 @ 09:22 PM EST
ej said

I've been lurking far too long, Greggy. I have to say that this was hilarious though. Hope you had a great weekend yourself.

Well lurk no more my friend...come into the light...LOL! Seriously tho, welcome to my humble home, all who bring happiness are welcome here. Those jokes were sent to me via email from a friend, I had to share! Now that the Memorial Day weekend has gone by in a heartbeat, it's back to the salt mines now!

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